Deadpool is inflicted on RWBY
by The Layman
Summary: You read that right folks, Deadpool in Remnant, interacting with the characters whether they want to or not- Wait, how'd you get in here? And why are you holding a rubber chick- *bonk!* Ow, the back of my head! *is unconscious*
1. The first one

_Heeeeeeeere's Johnny! What's up losers? Deadpool here, taking over writing duties from "The Layman"- ...Seriously, a pseudonym that means "average shmuck"? LAAAAAAAAME! It should be something_ cool _, like "Merc with a Mouth", or "The Regenerating Degenerate", or "Ninja Spiderman". Or "[censor]mothering Vampire"! That's a good one- Wait, what the [censor] was that? There it was again! Hang on, lemme check something here- Aw,_ censor bars?! _This guy uses_ censor bars _when he writes? Wow, I could not have slapped him with a rubber chicken and stuffed him in a closet full of old unitards fast enough!_

 _But enough about my Saturday nights, let's get to the reason why you basement dwelling nerds are here in the first place; because you have no lives and you get off on something that isn't the real thing! In other words, Fanfiction!_

 _OK, so if I'm understanding this canned example I'm currently looking at, I'm supposed to say that I don't own this crap and that RWBY is owned by Rooster Teeth. ...I don't know what that first thing is, but Rooster Teeth are [censor]ing awesome! I love Red vs. Blue; Caboose just_ slays _me! But enough about my Saturday afternoons, now comes the part where we do some cool looking page break that's absurdly simple in reality, after which we'll jump right into the actio-_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Deadpool landed in the middle of a thick forest, making a small crater in the process.

"Really? You cut me off mid word?!" he cried to the heavens, arms outstretched in protest. "Not cool, man, not cool." As he picked himself out of the Deadpool shaped indentation he looked around at the woods, taking in the tranquil setting. Birds chirped in the trees, and the midday sun streamed through the branches. It was a idyllic scene, straight out of a Thomas Kinkaid painting.

The slavering, hulking, bear-like monsters did little to dispel that image.

"Do you guys mind?" he asked the shadowy beasts, "I'm trying to appreciate the beauty of nature here! Go slaver over someone else's pick-in-ick basket!" And indeed, Deadpool was now sitting on a red and white checkered blanket, with a veritable feast spread out on it that he was tucking into heartily. He glanced over to them, "...I'm not sharing."

The monsters didn't take kindly to this (not that they could actually understand him anyway) and rushed towards him, intent on ripping him limb from limb.

"Never fails...," he sighed, whipping out a pair of automatic shotguns from thin air, "the phone rings as soon as I sit down to eat." He then proceeded to unload all of the ammo at the bear-like monsters, screaming "EAT BLAZING DOORKNOBS OF DEATH, BANANAFACE!" as the hot lead riddled the creatures. Eventually he stopped, blowing the smoke from the barrels. The monsters stood still for a minute, then they fell overs, slowly dissolving into the wind.

"Welp, that takes care of that!" He tossed the guns away and grabbed a chimichanga from the spread before scooping the blanket up, tying the corners around a stick (it got inexplicably smaller in the process) and slinging it over his shoulder. He took a bite from the faux-Latin treat, _"Mow to fing out where the girlv are!"_

No sooner had he muffledly declared that when a sexy redheaded chick dressed like a Spartan warrior ran past, followed closely by a huge ass scorpion monster trying to spear her with its tail. She quickly turned around and shot at the hulking carapace with what looked like a highly modified elephant gun. The shots all bounced harmlessly off its exoskeleton, prompting the creature to swipe at the girl with its massive claws. She barely dodged, and continued running away.

"...well, that was fast," he remarked. He quickly teleported ahead of the girl and leaned casually against a tree, now wearing a fine looking smoking jacket and holding a pipe in one hand and a bottle of Dos Equis in the other.

"You know...," he said as the girl tumbled through the brush in front of him, "I don't normally hang around the woods fighting monsters while looking for chicks. But when I do, I know that the best way to kill a Scorpion is with [censorING ROCKET LAUNCHER!" He pulled said rocket launcher out from nowhere (much to the flabbergasted amazement of the girl) and aimed it where the slavering monstrosity was going to appear. He turned to the readers, "Geddit? It's a Halo reference! Cause Rooster Teeth loves Halo!"

"Wh-...what?" she wondered, unable to make sense out of, well... _everything_ that had just happened in the last ten seconds.

" _Fire in the hole_!" He fired a rocket just as the scorpion monster emerged from the brush, hitting it dead square in what constituted for its face in an explosion of fire and heat. "And _that_ ," he said, sticking a cigar into his mouth, "is how you take out a scorpion!" He took out a lighter and lit the cigar, taking a long, satisfied drag. He turned to the 300 cosplayer, "So was it good for you too, babe?"

The "babe" just stared at him, her brain having trouble going to words.

"The name's Wade Wilson," he said when it was clear that the girl _wasn't_ going to praise him on his _brilliant_ rescue, "but you can call me _Ninja Spiderman_! Or Deadpool, because I'm not an angst ridden teenager from New York who blames himself for everything bad that happens in the world and can't keep a steady girlfriend without her dying on him. Now _me_ on the other hand, I've had _millions_ on girlfriends! In fact, I'm currently in an on again, off again relationship with that _h-h-h-h-h-hawty_ Death. Sweet kid, you'd probably like her." He knelt down in front of her. "By the way," he asked, "how do you get your eyes to do that pencil scratchy thing? I mean, I've watched my fair share of anime before- _Hentai~!_ -but I haven't seen anything like that befo-"

He was interrupted when the scorpion monster decided not to be dead and backhanded him into a tree, spearing him through the chest on one of its branches.

"OK, _first of all_ ," he grunted, "not cool cutting me off mid word again! Second..." He took out one of his katanas and sliced the branch off the tree, falling a short ways to the ground, "Bow chika bow wow!" He then pulled the branch out of his chest with one swift tug, grunting in pain as his healing factor repaired the hole. " _WOW_ that smarts!"

"Um," the girl stammered, her brain finally catching up to reality, "...doesn't that hurt?"

"Oh, like you wouldn't [censor]ing believe!" he said, before once again donning the smoking jacket from before, reclining next to the girl on the ground. "So...you come around these parts often?"

"No, I'm- Look out!" She shoved Deadpool back, leaping out of the way as the scorpion monster speared the ground with its tail. She then did something to her gun that caused it to transform ( _"OH MY GAWD I WANT ONE"_ ) into a lance. She threw it at the monster, the weapon lodging itself into the fractured carapace, a result of the rocket from before.

"Ooh! I know this one!" Deadpool reached behind his back and pulled out a wooden mallet that was almost as big as he was. He turned to the readers, "ACME Oversized Mallet (Trademarked)! Never leave home without it!" With a cry of "Eat your heart out, Gallagher!" he leaped into the air and brought the comically larger construction implement down on the giant black lobster, piercing its center ( _"Bow chika bow wow!_ ") and killing it for real this time. "Ye-haw! I unalived you good that time; come back from that, _bitch_!" Then he drooped, "Yeah, it sounds stupid when I'm not in something with a TV-YA rating..."

"Ex...cuse you?" the girl said, confusion once again setting in now that the monster was dealt with.

"You know what I mean?" he asked her, once again ignore the blank look of confusion she gave him, "You try to act all cool and badass when you're pounding some mother[censor]er's head into the ground, but the network execs are all like ' _this is a kid's show, you can't actually say "kill"; it'll send the wrong message_ ' and other [censor] like that. It just grinds my gear, is what I'm saying."

"I...don't actually know what that's like," she said, after taking a moment to decipher the words coming out of the Merc with a Mouth's mouth. Unsure of how to actually approach the strange individual, she decided to just fall back on the basics. "I'm Pyrrha Nikos, by the way." She bowed at the waist, "Thank you for the assistance."

"Think nothing of it, fair maiden; I just did what any concerned citizen would do!" He then sidled up next to Pyrrha, shoulder to shoulder, waggling his eyebrows expectantly, "Sooooo...you single?"

Pyrrha shook her head, "No, I'm here with Jaune. He and I are- Oh no!" She quickly scaled a tree and shouted "Sorry!" into the distance.

"Not bad," commented Deadpool, rubbing his chin thoughtfully, "but I don't see that catchphrase having a lot of staying power. You're better off with 'hello again~!' instead. Anyway, the name's Deadpool, but you can just read that whole spiel higher on the page because I don't feel like repeating it."

"Of...course," Pyrrha said eventually as Deadpool pointed upwards for some reason. Why he would do something like that baffled the young champion, another in a long line of things her brain needed time to process.

"Hey!" Deadpool shouted to the heavens, " _I'm_ the main character in this fic; stop focusing so much on 'This is Sparta!' here!"

"It's been nice meeting you, Mr. Deadpool," she said, for once in her life not sure how to deal with the weirdo in front of her, "but I should _really_ go look for my friend. You seen to be capable of surviving grievous injuries- _...very..._ grievous...injuries... _Somehow_... -so you should make it back to safety without too much trouble-"

"And leave you out here by yourself with all these nasty monsters around?" Deadpool knew what he had to do! Before she could protest, the Regenerating Degenerate grabbed her by the waist and pulled her close, turning once more to the readers. "To all those neckbeards who think Pyrrha is their 'waifu'," he said, "suck my three foot long _schwanstucker_!"

And with that he teleported.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Wait everyone, stop fighting!" Tucker yelled, as things descended into chaos, "It's all a lie: Blue is Red, Red is Blue! _We're all the same_!"

Unfortunately his cries of truth fell of deaf ears (or retarded ears, in Caboose's case) as the Reds, Blues, and Lopez's faction all began making gun noises and pretended to fire their weapons at each other, apparently forgetting that they had actual bullets in them.

Meanwhile, Tucker was struggling to come to terms with the new revelation. He wished Church were here. He was an ass, but he usually had some sort of idea what to do with crap hit the fan like this. Tucker usually just went with the flow, especially if it ended up pissing Church off. ...Or if it got him laid, _Bow chika bow-_

Suddenly a flash of light appeared in the middle of the chaos, startling everyone into stopping their pointless Cowboys and Indians knockoff.

"...What?" wondered Simmons.

"...The hell?" Griff shouted.

"¿...Que demonios?" Lopez intoned.

"...my goodness," Sheila gasped.

"Jinkies!" squealed Donut.

"Muffins!" exclaimed Caboose.

"What in the green eggs and Sam Hill is that?" asked Sarge.

Standing in the middle of the [not] battle was a man wearing a red and black patterned skin suit, holding a girl who looked about 17, who was dressed like a Roman centurion held at his side.

"There we go!" he said, "Now can introduce me to all your...little..." He looked around, noting all the power armor around him. "Whoops, wrong show! Um," he said, addressing everyone, "don't mind me, guys; just keep doing what you're doing!"

"Uh, OK," Simmons replied uncertainly. "...who are you again?"

"Just your friendly neighborhood Deadpool!" Deadpool said, getting ready to try teleporting again. "...By the way, Season 11 was hilarious! I don't care that it didn't have any of Monty's fight scenes in it, it was still funny!"

And with that, he teleported again.

There was an awkward silence that followed.

Then everyone started making the gun noises again, picking up right where they left off as though nothing had happened.

Just another typical day in Blood Gulch.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

When Deadpool and his passenger appeared it was in the same forest as before, only this time they were in a wide clearing with a ruined structure in the middle. There were a few trees scattered about, none of them near the structure. Standing next to the structure were a group of teenagers around Pyrrha's age: a hyperactive ginger girl, a brooding brunette with a bow, a stoic looking boy with pink highlights, a tiny girl wearing a red hood, and a blonde bombshell with beautiful, bouncing bazongas.

"WHOA, BABY!" the Merc with a Mouth exclaimed, dropping Pyrrha ("Oof!") and racing towards the blonde and kneeling reverently in front of her. "In all the series in all the world I am _glad_ I walked into this one!" He then began prostrate on the ground, muttering a bunch of seemingly random numbers in a mantra-like fashion.

"Uh, Yang?" the red cloaked girl asked, "Do you know this guy?"

Yang shook her head, "Never seen him before in my life."

"How does he _eat_ with that mask on?" the ginger girl wondered, little question marks floating over her head.

"Really?" Jackie Lee Fat deadpanned, turning towards Question Mark, " _That's_ what you think weirdest thing about some random guy in red spandex suddenly appearing is?"

"And I though _I_ knew some weirdos...," Broody muttered.

"So," Deadpool noted, getting up from his prostrating, "I guessing you're all the main characters of this little Internet show, right?"

"...what show?" Pyrrha asked, looking around the area, "Are we being filmed?"

"No one said anything to us about being filmed," said the broody one, also looking around for the cameras that were supposedly watching them.

"Hi Mom!" the ginger waved to the air.

"Oh, every week for about three or four months," he explained, holding up his smartphone for them to see, "See? You guys even have your own IMDb page! And no, I don't mean all the button cams your hot librarian teacher set up to spy on you..." He stopped abruptly, suddenly realizing what he just said. "Um, excuse me for a minute, everyone!" He then poofed away, leaving the kids standing baffled at what just transpired.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

 _Meanwhile, on the cliffs over the Emerald Forest..._

Glynda was currently on the phone with the Vale authorities, trying to find out who the strange man in red spandex was.

"No, I'm not pulling anyone's leg!" she insisted, "I'm telling you, there's a man wearing a red and black spandex body suit, and he's harassing the new students! I need to know if there have been any escaped lunatics- He hung up on me!" She hung up her Scroll, seething, then she turned to Ozpin, stating "I'm going down there and dealing with that miscreant before any of the children in danger, whether by accident or design."

However, before either teacher could react, the man in red spandex suddenly appear between the two of them, sidled up to Glynda (possibly waggling his eyebrows, it was difficult to tell because of his mask) and firmly grabbed a hold of her butt, eliciting a squeak of surprise out of the woman.

"I'd just like to state, for the record," the man said to no one, looking at what appeared to be nothing, "...that this is _totes_ worth it!"

After a moment of her mind trying to wrap itself around what was currently happening to her Glynda regained her wits, immediately stabbing him in the crotch with her riding crop. As he curled up into the fetal position, the teacher levitated a tree out of the ground and flung it at the man as hard as she could, smashing it into him and sending him flying back into the Emerald Forest.

"...Hmph, serves him right," she planted, her rage finally cooling. She smoothed out her clothes and readjusted her glasses.

"You know you just sent him back towards the new students," Ozpin pointed out.

"I highly doubt he survived that," she stated, pulling up her Scroll and keying in the camera feeds, "Now, let's see how Mr. Winchester and his friends are doing..."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Deadpool crashed into the ground by the teens, his body twisted into something resembling the Gordian Knot.

" _Still...totes...worth it!..."_ he strained, shakily raising his finger in the air.

"Are...you gonna be OK?" Red Riding Hood asked hesitantly.

"Oh yeah, totally!" said the Merc with a Mouth, suddenly back to his normal shape, "That's the beauty of having a healing factor, nothing every keeps me down for long. Except depression, that usually lays me out for a good week before the ice cream therapy kicks in!" He quickly turned to the readers, "Remember, kids, if you're feeling depressed, talk with a either a medical doctor or psychiatrist." Then he shouted to the sky, "There! I did the [censor]ing disclaimer! You happy now, you [censor] [censor]ing [censor] [censor]?" Then he looked back to the teens, "Oh hey, you're doing the scratchy eye thing again! ...I also remember there being fewer people." He turned back to the readers, "And it's 'fewer', not 'less', you illiterate mouthbreathers!"

Ignoring Deadpool's blatant insensitivity ("Hey!") there were indeed more people present than there were before. The new teens included a rather scraggly looking blond boy and an albino chick.

They were also doing the "scratchy, blank eyes" thing with the rest of their friends.

"Seriously, I need to learn how to do that one of these days! But, in the mean time..." He quickly whipped out a Kleenex and ripped it in twain, wadding the halves up and sticking them up his nostrils. "If anime has taught me anything, it's that _this_ is necessary for what I'm about to do." He then hunched forward, put his arms out in front of him, and waggled his eyebrows in as creepy a manner possible as he began to creep forward.

Then contact was made.

Namely, Yang's Semblance enhanced fist, augmented with a fully activated Ember Celica, stiffly yet solidly impacting Deadpools right in the kisser, once again flying through the air.

" _WAAAH_ -HOO-HOO-HOOEY!" he cried, "This is so much more painful than when Team Rocket does iiiiiiiit!" He then disappeared from sight, leaving only a twinkle in his wake.

Yang turned to the other teens and her sister, "We never speak of this again."

Everyone nodded in agreement.

"Great!" the brawler chirped, now back to her normal, cheery self, "Then let's get out of here before anything else decides to harass us!"

It was at that moment that a Deathstalker (different from the one Deadpool obliterated) burst out of the forest, and a giant Nevermore screeched overhead, circling the group

"...Never mind. Come on, let's go kill the monsters..."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

 _Ow...man, what hit me just now? Well, anyway, whatever it was is gone now, so now I can get this fanfic train a-started- Huh? The story's already over? ...How the heck did_ that _happen?_

 _...the [censor]s a Deadpool?_

 _Well, whatever! I guess in that case, I'll just shamelessly plug my other stories, starting with- *bonk!* Ow, the back of my face! *is unconscious*_

 _Still alive, suckers! Go watch my movie when it hits theaters! Or when it comes out on home video, whenever you end up reading this. Whoobwhoobwhoobwhoobwhoobwhoobwhoob!_


	2. Deadpool 2: Electric Boogaloo

_OK, let's try this again; hey everyone, and welcome to- *BONK!* Ow, the front of my back! *faints*_

 _Heeeeeeere's Johnny! ...Again!_

 _That's right Mouthbreathers, you loved me the first time, and now you're gonna love me again; I ain't_ nearly _done with this "Fragment" place just yet! Yeah, I got my ass handed to me by a hawt librarian and a hawt biker chick who was_ absolutely _legal! ...Probably! Seriously, I'd give my right arm (GEDDIT?!) to have_ her _as my girlfriend! Don't worry, I have a healing factor, so it'll grow back. But anyway, I only got a see a tiny part of the world! Plus, everyone was a total prude. I figure the_ real _action lies elsewhere, so_ this _time I'ma try and find some crooks or baddies or something, people who aren't afraid to unalive a few other peo- ...yeah, that's still [censor]ing lame. Same as the [censor]ING CENSOR BARS!1!_

 _Anyway, y'all know the [censor]ing drill: Don't own, yadda yadda, Rooster Teeth, blah. Just put me in the [censor]ing action alrea-_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

After remaining suspended in forced, unpowered flight for a deliberately vague amount of time, Deadpool finally landed in the middle of a city, making a small crater upon impact.

"...OK, _Buddy Boy_ ," he seethed, peeling himself out of a Deadpool shaped indentation in the pavement, "when this chapter is over, you and I are gonna have a serious talk about [censor]ing interrupting people mid word! And my katanas are gonna do the talking!" He waved his fist at the heavens, "And don't think I won't stoop to bringing in my scumbag, Las Vegas lawyer in to this, you know I will!"

His acute ADHD suddenly kicking in, he lowered his fist and looked around at his new location. "So where the hell am I now?" he wondered aloud, taking in the more urban environment. It was a stark contract to the verdant forest he was in last time, with tall buildings replacing the trees, and streetlights and neon sighs replacing the sunlight as the primary source of illumination.

Also, it was currently nighttime.

"...eh, I've seen better," he shrugged. He leaned over to a couple and said "Better rendered, too. Am I right?"

The couple nervously regarded the crazy guy in the red and black spandex before slowly backing away from him, walking as fast as they could in the other direction so as to put as much distance between them and Deadpool as the possibly could.

"Ah, you were just a couple of untextured NPCs, anyway!" he called after them, "Stupid silhouettes..." He kicked a pebble down the road, walking briskly with his arms stretched behind his head. "Now, if _I_ were a reprobate lowlife- _Which I am!_ " he said, briefly turning to the readers, "-where would I wanna hang out?" He buildings around him were all trendy eateries or boutiques, not the kind of places crooks tended to congregate. There were a few alleyways, but for some reason they were all well lit and open, the exact opposite of the typical gang hangouts Deadpool usually came across. And on top of that, he couldn't see a _single trench coat_ or 1940's style fedora anywhere!

"Though that may just be because everyone here is a background NPC with no actual importance," he reasoned. "Man, the broacher made this place sound a hell of a lot more exciting than _this_!" He then pulled a map out from behind his back and unfurled it, also taking out a sextant and a mathematical compass. "Let's see...," he said, "first I took that right turn at Albuquerque, and then that left turn at Lajola. Hmm, can't be too far off..." He fiddled with the sextant as he walked, stating after a minute "I have no [censor]ing clue how this thing works" and casually tossed it behind him.

Followed by the sound of a cat yowling.

By this point Deadpool was considering abandoning his quest to find Bad Guys and heading back to his rathole apartment ("Hey! ...That's offensive to the rats!") when his eyes drifted over to a trendy little Ice Cream parlor with tables set up out front. They were mostly empty except for one, which was occupied by a short girl dressed mostly in pink (with a parasol resting on the table next to her) and some douche with red hair wearing a mask. The guy was looking like he'd rather be anywhere else than there, and the girl was gobbling up a large bowl of ice cream like there was no tomorrow.

"Well now, what have we here?" Using all the stealth training he'd accumulated his many 15 years, the Regenerating Degenerate tiptoed down the middle of the street, completely in plain sight of everything, and crept up behind the girl's chair, peeking around the side. He then reached over and scooped some of the delicious frozen treat onto his finger-

He wasn't really expecting the butt of a sword to bury itself three inches into his nose today, but there was a first time for everything, wasn't there?

As he crashed into the side of the storefront he suddenly felt the point of a sword at his throat and something equally pointy but not quite as sword-like pressing into his chest right around where his heart was.

"Uh...whoops?" he _oh_ so cleverly said, briefly glaring at the sky before returning her gaze to the duo that had him at sharp object-point. "You two wouldn't happen to know where I can find some good bad guys, would you? Pardon the oxymoron." Then he looked at the readers, "See that, Kids? It's called wordplay!"

"Stop babbling," the Masked Douche ordered, adding more pressure to his sword (For some reason its blade was made of some red material.), "Why are you looking for criminals; are you with Beacon?"

The midget glowered at him.

"You know, I can honestly say I have no idea what that is!" he announced happily. "I mean, I know [censor] tons about RvB, but I only just learned about this show last chapter, so I'm not really up on the lingo just yet." He held up a small tome that said "The Dunderhead Deathstroke the Terminator Rip-Off's Guide to the Late, Great Monty Oum's Masterpiece and Other Fascinating Tales" on the cover. "I still haven't gotten past the Forward by Vic Mignogna."

Masked Douche (who Deadpool now noticed had the guy had what looked like horns peeking out from her firetruck red hair) didn't seem to take too kindly to this, swatting the book out of the Merc with a Mouth's hand. "I have no idea what you're talking about," he growled, "Now you're going to explain who you're working for and why you're looking for the White Fang, and if I don't like your answer, I'll-" He stopped abruptly and looked down at his side; the pink themed six year old was tugging at the hem of the Douche's coat. "What is it, Neo?"

"Neo", as the six year old was apparently known, wrote something on a notepad before showing it to Masked Douche.

It read "he didnt actually say he was looking for the white fang".

"It doesn't matter," Douche said, turning back to glower at Deadpool, "people _always_ mean the White Fang."

"OK," Deadpool said, suddenly leaning on Neo's head with his elbow. He affected a Southern drawl, "Now, _I_ may only be a _simple_ highly trained killin' machine, but it sounds to me that y'all might be in need of a highly trained and _devilishly handsome_ killing machine-" he dusted his fingers off on his body suit, dropping the accent "-and I think I know where you can find one." He then took out a couple picket signs shaped like arrows and held them up so they were pointing at his head.

Masked Douche regarded him quizzically, though it was hard to tell because of the mask. "Why in all of Remnant would I do that?" he wondered aloud, adding "Especially when _you_ don't seem to take anything seriously."

"grrrrrrrrr!" read Neo's pad, her face echoing the sentiment.

Deadpool held his hands up in the universal "Wait a minute!" gesture, "OK, OK, I can understand why you might think that- even though I can't understand why you thought that mask was a good idea -but if you've got the dough, I'll get the job done, whatever it is!" He thought for a moment. "...Unless it's collecting elephant specimen. I'm into some freaky [censor], and let me say, _never again!_ " He shuddered involuntarily.

"Hmm..." Masked Douche seemed to consider this. (The "gun for hire" part, not the elephant specimens.), putting his sword away. "I don't trust you; you seem far too unstable for my liking. However, my business partner might think differently." He nodded his head to the side, "Follow me. If you really will do anything for money, you may be of some use to our cause."

"Wh'evs! So long as I get Phat Stacks and Phat Honeys, I couldn't care less what you're fighting for!" Deadpool followed after the redheaded, emo douchebag, whistling a jaunty tune as he was lead through the urban streets. Neo followed behind them, glowered at the mercenary the whole time. After a while he tapped Masked Douche on the shoulder. "Hey," he stage whispered, gesturing behind them, "what's up with Two-Tone back there? That midget's been giving me the stink eye since we first met."

"It probably has something to do with the fact that you tried to steal her ice cream. She tends to not look too kindly on people who do that."

"Hmm...you don't say!" Deadpool suddenly got a idea, whirling around and holding a Klondike bar over Neo's head. "Come on, girl!" he cajoled, "Come on, get the treat! Get the treat! Who's a good Midget? You are! Yes you are, yes you are!"

 _I am a_ [censor] _ing genius!_ his inner monologue praised as he continued dangling the frozen treat over Neo's head.

Once again, he wasn't expecting to get clonked upside the head by a grade schooler with a (surprisingly stiff) frilly parasol, but today was shaping up to be _especially_ atypical.

The 50-odd other umbrellas skewering him where he landed, on the other hand, he saw coming a mile away.

It didn't do him jack squat in dodging them, of course.

"I'm having flashbacks to last chapter," he groaned, twitching occasionally as his nerves repaired themselves. He saw Neo standing by an oddly placed umbrella stand, breathing heavily and making ready to throw more umbrellas at him.

"Neo...," Masked Douche admonished tonelessly, handing her the Klondike bar Deadpool dropped (you know, when he got caught in Neo's Unlimited Umbrella Works*?) as he walked past her. She pouted but accepted it, petulantly munching on it as she fell back in step.

"Yeah, you guy- OW! -go on ahead!" he called, pulling the umbrellas out one by one. "I'll- OW! -catch up with you- EEEE! -when I'm done- WHOA! _That_ looks like an organ of some kind!"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Oh, _Cinder_!" Roman called, dragging Mercury along by the arm.

Cinder looked up from the map she was studying. "Yes, Roman? Is there a reason you're dragging Mr. Black behind you?"

"Yeah," Mercury quipped, "he wanted to ask you for my hand in marriage but he was too shy to ask you all by his lonesome."

"Could you _please_ tell your brats to stay out of my stuff?" he asked, ignoring the barb, "I just caught him stealing my cigars; I'm not even sure he's old enough to be smoking!"

"And could you let go of me already?" the silver haired boy said, ripping his arm out of Roman's grasp, "I'm starting to feel like I need an adult..."

Roman shot him a glare.

"Now now," she chided, "there's no reason we can't all get along. Mercury, don't antagonize Roman, he's just as essential to our plans as you and Emerald are." She then turned to Roman, "And if you have a problem with your things, learn how to hide them better."

Roman was about to retort when one of the White Fang grunts rushed in. "Miss Fall, Adam and Miss Neo just returned, and they brought someone with them.," he reported.

"Really? What kind of someone?" she asked.

"He's...well...maybe you'd better come see for yourself." The grunt lead them to the entrance, where Adam Taurus and Neopolitan were waiting with more White Fang soldiers. The soldiers all had their weapons trained on a man in a red spandex body suit, who was dumping his own weapons on the ground.

The pile of weapons was about waist high.

"Where the hell does it all come from?..." one of the soldiers wondered as the man continued throwing weapons on the pile.

"Don't worry about it, boys," he said, adding a minigun that looked like it was taking from the side of a gunship to the pile, "it's common to feel at least a _little_ jealous when someone's packing bigger equipment than you." Then, for some reason, the man looked upwards and announced "Double entendre!" to nobody.

"I see what you mean," Cinder mused, "he's definitely odder than normal."

"Who the hell wears _spandex_?" Mercury wondered, scratching his head.

"And the fact that he appears to be pulling all those weapons out of thin air is just no never mind to you, is it?" Roman asked dryly.

"Who is he?" Cinder asked the grunt, who shrugged.

"No clue," he said, "Adam just said you'd want to speak with him."

"Hmm..." She regarded the man, who was now sans pants (he thankfully still wore a pair of boxers), shaking a multitude of knives out of them. Then she motioned for Neo to come over, as Adam seemed to be busy having an intense conversation with the giant White Fang Lieutenant. "Tell me, why did our dear Adam think this man would be worth my while?" Neo hurriedly scribbled something on her pad.

"he said he would do anything for money" it read. Then she turned the page and scribbled something else. "he isn't easy to kill, either".

Cinder raised an eyebrow but didn't say anything. _He probably tried to steal some of her ice cream_ , she reasoned.

"Well, he's certainly becoming more and more interesting," the woman mused, looking back at the red and black clad stranger. Then she felt Neo tugging on her sleeve.

The pad now read "I dont like him".

"Of course." With Neo having said her piece, Cinder walked over to the man. "I've been hearing some interesting things about you, Mr...?"

"Wade Wilson," the man said, turning to face her, "but you can call me Deadpoo-whoa-hoh-hoh- _hoh are you hawt_!"

Cinder didn't like the way he was leering at her (it was a little hard to tell through the mask, but his general body language seemed pretty clear) so she decided to immolate him just a enough so he got the message that she wouldn't stand for it.

"...In _both_ ways!" he said, despite looking like a charred facsimile of a man made out of sticks.

And...was it her imagination, or were those wisps of smoke looking strangely heart shaped?

"Neo was right, you _are_ remarkably hard to kill!"

"Deadpool" suddenly looked upwards again, this time gesturing broadly, "Oh, when _she_ says it, it's fine, but when _I_ say it, the Networks have a _conniption_! Well [censor] that and [censor] you, I'ma do what I want!" Then he turned to face her, abruptly looking like he had before immolation. " _Soooo_ , where do you keep all the explody things?" he asked.

"I'll show you," she said, bidding him to follow her. "This way."

"Lead the way, hot stuff!" As he fell into step behind her, he looked back at Roman and Mercury, pointing at the dapper thief. "You should probably stay away from things with feathers," he cautioned, "Just saying."

Roman shot Deadpool the bird, which caused Mercury to snicker beside him.

"You know, I gotta ask," he asked, "what sort of dastardly, nefarious things do I get to do now that I'm on your side?"

"Oh, I think I have something _just_ up your alley," she told him, looking straight ahead, her eyes glowing as she smirked to herself.

"Ooh-hoo-hoo, sounds tasty!" he said, "So long as I don't get railroaded into anything."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"I should have [censor]ing seen that coming!" he griped, leaning back the side of the boxcar he'd been stuffed in. He'd been in here for a good long time now, and was beginning to get a sneaking suspicion that the hot (in both ways) chick didn't trust him or something. "I mean, I only squeezed that de _llllllisious_ derrière, like, twenty times; she should have been flattered! Have you seen dat ass?" He turned to the reader, "No seriously people, have you _seen dat ass_? It be _smokin_ '! And no, I don't regret any of it, including that pun! Take _that,_ Barbara!" Then he returned to his musings, "I thought women liked it when guys- or girls, I don't judge; Porn's porn either way. -told them they looked pretty! Death likes it! And what was with that green haired stripper giving me weird looks? She was almost as bad as that midget from earlier!"

Suddenly Deadpool felt the car shudder and start moving.

"Oh, so they _finally_ decided to do something! Well bully for them, I'm still stuck in this [censor]ing train car guarding a [censor]ing bomb that nobody [censor]ing knows is here!" He stretched his arms over his head, "Might as well get some shut eye until this thing gets to the end of the line."

His nap was uneventful, and even the voices he heard on top of the car didn't really bother him that much, but when he thought he heard his alarm clock going off...

"Get that for me, will you Pedro?" he asked, trying to remain asleep, "I'm too lazy!" Then he remembered he was in a boxcar, "Oh right; Pedro only exists inside my head." He got up and shuffled over to the source of the noise and hit the top a few times to shut it up, but it ended doing nothing. "Come on! What the heck is wrong with this alarm- Right! It's not an alarm clock, it's a bomb!" He walked back over to his Nap Spot when it suddenly hit him.

And then he realized how deep in doo-doo he was.

"Oh, fu-"

KABOOM!

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

 _And then he died, and events in RWBY proceeded as normal._

 _Welp, that was a thing, wasn't it? Hopefully he's gone for good this time, and I can return to my author's notes in peace without fourth wall breaking nutball bamfing in and bonking me with a rubber chicken *BONK!* Ow, the back of my front! *faints*_

 _Hiya, bitches! Still alive, and better than ever! Man, this is one pathetic author- Whoops, tautology! -if he thinks a little explosion is all it takes to kill me! I mean come on! If my inferior copy from DC couldn't put me down for good, you think some puny little explosion's gonna do what he couldn't?_

 _...so what if Deathstroke technically came first, I still unalived his sorry ass something good!_

 _On a completely unrelated note, go watch the DEATHBATTLE of me and Deathstroke, as well as my movie; don't pay attention to what the critics are saying, it's totally [censor]ing_ _awesome, I swear! Deadpool outie! Whoopwhoopwhoopwhoopwhoopwhoopwhoop!_

 _*Neo's Unlimited Umbrella Works is a parody of_ Neo's Unlimited Parasol Works, _which can be found in "Magical Girl Glitter Glynda-chan" by Half-Blind Otaku._


End file.
